Sometimes I don't want to sleep

In the day time they are standing behind you. You can feel their presence, their breath on your neck, smelling the stink of it all. Some days you can't shake it no matter what you do. You can instead only endure, and endure you must. It isn't just about you. It's about those around you who love you, who depend on you, who need you to keep going.

At night when you go through your routine hoping all that you've done during the day was enough to shake them. You know though that you've never been good at lying to yourself because you know damn well what waits for you. So you med up, give one last nod to consciousness, and you let go. Sometimes the meds help, sometimes it's booze, and hell sometimes it's both. But more times than not they come no matter what you do. Maybe they run through your mind like a clip from a movie, an altered memory replaying so it can hurt you one more time. Sometimes though the scenes flash like crashing lightning in your mind with a soundtrack overlaid to make sure you don't miss a thing. And then there's the straight out of Alice in Wonderland bullshit that makes you rethink your sanity.

You don't get to choose what memories to remember or what nightmares to forget. You are the fucking sum of your life; good, bad, and ugly. Some maybe you've made peace with. Some will maybe be with you for the rest of your life like herpes. Hey, you played the game so now you get to deal with the scars. Here's a reminder though that just maybe you need. You played the fucking game and you lived. That's a win. Enduring the aftermath and keep going is honorable. You carry a burden most will never know and honestly never need to. No need to explain the game to those who are truly ignorant to it. Today I just want to tell you that it ain't just you. Keep manning the fuck up and handle your business. Today ain't the day to stop. Neither is tomorrow.

I write this today as I remember a friend who could no longer endure. Brother I'm sorry that the burden was so heavy. You presence down here is missed.

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