Nightmares & Memories

Something that has been weighing heavily on my mind since we were banned from advertising on Facebook which crippled our ability to sell and has led to a good amount of stress. As some may know, stress in large amounts leads to health problems including sleep issues. For those who have lived a more colorful life, this stress doesn't mix well and leads to some rather trying sleeping patterns. I share this to let those in the same boat know they are not alone, I too know well the loneliness felt if you live in this space. Enjoy...

In the waking hours they are standing behind you somewhere hiding in corners or shadows. You can feel their presence, their breath on your neck, smelling the stink of it all. Some days you can't shake it no matter what you do and others it feels more like a scratch on the roof of your mouth that just won't go away. But you endure, and endure you must. It isn't just about you. It's about those around you who love you, who depend on you, who need you to keep going. 

At night you go through your routine hoping to God all that you've done during the day (the workouts, the talking, the avoiding if triggers) was enough to shake them. You smile because you know that you've never been good at lying to yourself; you know damn well what waits for you. So you med up, give one last nod to consciousness, and let go. Sometimes the meds help, sometimes it's booze, sometimes it's sex, sometimes it's all three. But more times than not they come regardless of your preparations. Maybe they run through your mind like clips from a movie, an altered memory replaying so it can hurt you one more time. Sometimes its scenes flashing like crashing lightning in your mind with a soundtrack overlaid to make sure you don't miss a thing. Sometimes it ain't the Imagery, but feelings; like the ones that make your heart hurt pulling you into a deep dark sorrow. And then there's the straight out of Alice in Wonderland bullshit that makes you rethink your sanity. Good times for sure.

You don't get to choose what memories to remember or what nightmares to forget. You are the merely sum of your life; good, bad, and ugly. Some maybe you've made peace with. Some may well be with you for the rest of your life, like herpes. Here's a reminder though that maybe you need to read. You played the fucking game and survived. That's a win. You carry a burden most will never know and honestly never need to. No need to explain the game to those who have never played. Today I just want to tell you that it ain't just you. Keep manning the fuck up and handle your business. Today ain't the day to stop; neither is tomorrow.